So when I was younger, about 12-15, I drew literally all of the time. I remember watching a documentary from Lucasfilms about Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, and the creation of General Grievous from a conceptual level, and was instantly sure I wanted to be a concept artist and/or illustrator for video games and VFX companies. I was surrounded by fantasy and science fiction art growing up with two parents obsessed with things like Dungeons and Dragons and Babylon 5. If it was affiliated with fantasy, science fiction, role playing, gaming, etcetera, my parents were involved. However, a series of unfortunate events put around age 14 sent me into a depression that rendered my hope for ever pursuing art- at even a hobbyist's level- dead.
All of my sketchbooks and drawings were "lost" after a 9-month absence from being home, and this demolished me. I was confused how the same person who embraced a love for imagination when I was five, would kill it a mere decade later. I went through a lot in that same year, and I was also switching schools for the eighth time. It was a vocational high school and I enrolled in a multi-media/ graphic design shop, as opposed to the visual design shop as a means of reinventing my artistic self. I managed to convince myself my childhood dreams of becoming an artist were dumb, but being a graphic or interior designer was more professional.
I am now 19 and a half years old. I graduated from high school last June, and in December, I made the choice of applying to the Massachusetts College of Art and Design for illustration after some much needed convincing from my amazing girlfriend. I quit my job as a grill cook and went to work refining what art skills and muscle memory I still had and worked on a portfolio. I had some amazing letters of recommendation and got my application and portfolio in the day before it was due. Now, I play the waiting game.
I have been spending lots of time in bed due to being sick with a stomach bug and a double ear infection, but all of that time helped me recouperate and figure out a plan. I watched artist profiles, vlogs, development videos, tutorials, and read so many different interviews and my mindset on life is renewed. I am passionate about creation. I want to be a good artist, but no one is going to get me there. None of those videos and tutorials will make me good. A college degree will not make me good. Only I can take myself where I want to be. I will listen to my peers and teachers and learn as much as possible. I will spend the thousands of hours to get better, because I lost five years feeling bad about myself, and getting good at things I'm not passionate about like cooking chicken for Chipotle, or fitting type in a brochure. I am going to get where I want to be.
So: this is my evocation of feelings as I progress to the next stage of myself. I will be drawing every day, for the rest of my life. I love drawing, and I want to get better and no one else will do it for me. Wish me luck, and hopefully I stay true to myself.